If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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