Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
