im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
