I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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