god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
