he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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