Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
