Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
These tits shall not be calmed
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
