so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
