yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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