Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Pants are for mortals
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize