Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
