I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
