Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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