it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize