The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
