You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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