just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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