apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
