True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
