Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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