I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
