Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
