There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
