i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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