the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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