I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
