i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Randomize
