My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
