when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can text with my tongue
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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