I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
