just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
