Don't you send me to vm
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
