If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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