My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
