The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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