I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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