I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
