My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
