Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
