Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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