I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
