woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
