I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
