so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
