my phone needs a breathalizer
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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