"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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