I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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