I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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