Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
