If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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