Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My ass is underappreciated
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
