I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize