she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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