I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
