I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
