life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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